“Well…logically… finding someone completely different makes more sense. If what we had didn’t work, why try to repeat it?”

A Dialogue After The End

© Chris Courtney Photography

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to get the rest of my things, and to leave you your key.”

“…”

“It’s good to see you.”

“I said in my email, I didn’t want to run into you here.”

“Yes, but I didn’t agree.”

“!!??.”

“You can’t love everyone the same way. each person is different and is loved differently or should be. Why do we think otherwise? It’s such a ridiculous notion. And really would you want someone who could?"

“It’s....odd....that you’re so angry with me.”

"Because I met someone while you were gone? I didn't want to meet someone else. I didn't want any of this. I also didn't want to be alone. I shouldn't have to be."

"Yup."

"The way you judge me...it's just so fucking unfair. I'm not as weak as you think."

 "I don't think you're weak at all. You think I'd submit to someone weak? I know how strong you are. I need you

 to know how strong you are and you won't even try. You fall back into yourself and you lose yourself in any distraction you can find. So now you're in love with someone else."

"I didn't intend to. It just happened."

"It always does."

"You told me to live my life."

"I did."

"This is why I didn't want to see you here. I don't want to feel badly about this."

"If you feel badly about this, that's your problem. I don't feel badly about this. I'm walking away clean - but let's be clear, you're the one telling me to go and telling me you don't want to see me. That's not what I want at all. That you're treating me like shit has nothing to do with her - unless you're connecting me to her or her to me. I'm not."

“You're not jealous?”

“Don't insult me...or yourself...or her for that matter. She's not a threat to me. I have no reason to be jealous. She's a distraction. I'm more worried about her than you.”

“She’s beautiful...you'd like her…and more obedient than you were.”

“Hmmm…I’m still disobedient…and I won't ever be jealous of the obedient ones. I'm happy for you. You deserve an obedient one. I'm a lot of very hard work. You've earned someone less...difficult for now."

"Ya know, it's funny, I had her over the other night for the first time and in the morning, I'm in the shower, and I'm waiting for the toilet to flush and the water to freeze, and I know exactly what I'm going to do to her when she does...and nothing. I get out of the shower and she had coffee made for me. ... I missed you a lot that morning."

"She sounds like a decent person.”

“She is. Not like you at all. But – I don't care about her the way I do about you. “

* * * * *

Previous Dialogues:

Erotica by Eurydice:

* * * * *

“You can’t love everyone the same way. each person is different and is loved differently or should be. Why do we think otherwise? It’s such a ridiculous notion. And really would you want someone who could?"

“Is it so ridiculous to want to find something comparable? Someone good enough?”

“Well…logically… finding someone completely different makes more sense. If what we had didn’t work, why try to repeat it?”

“I wanted it to work. You left.”

“Oh my god. I did not leave you. We decided to spend some time apart and you lost your fucking mind.”

“I couldn’t handle it.”

“Handle what?”

“Rejection. Being on my own -”

“You weren’t rejected. I never rejected you.”

“You never loved me.”

“I did. I just couldn’t say it.”

“That’s almost worse.”

“I know. I was wrong. I should be able to say it out loud.”

“Do you?”

“What?”

“Love me.”

“….Yes.”

“Say it.”

“… “

“Tell me you love me.”

“….”

“She says it without hesitation. All the time.”

“I feel it. I just can't say it. I've never said it and meant it. Ever. It's like a huge wall I can't get over. I don't know what happens behind that wall. It scares the shit out of me. Why is waiting for the real thing so hard for you. You're like a 6-year-old that needs it right now - and I'm not ready.”

“What do you think changes when you say it? If you do feel it, what difference does it make?”

"It's mine and only mine right now. I don't want to share it with you yet. I've shared everything with you. I've let you take me places I never wanted to go - and am grateful for that. But this - this feeling - this vulnerability is mine. It's the last bit of me I haven't given to you, and I don't want to yet. I want to keep this one thing for myself."

"You don't want to share that you love me with me? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. And you're the logical one?"

"I need to know that...."

"What? Whatever you need to know, I'll tell you."

"It's not something you can tell me. It's a quality I haven't seen. A courage to face despair or devastation or adversity with....grace....every time I withhold from you, I get the petulant boy. I get bravado. I adore you, but I would never want to be in a bunker with you if the bombs start falling. I love your confidence, but the ego that comes with it is a problem for me."

“So you came back to tell me all the things that are wrong with me?”

“No.”

“Because you obviously wanted to see me.”

“Yes.”

“Because I was very clear in my email. I didn’t want to see you.”

“And yet here we are.”

“Are you just being disobedient? Are you hoping to be punished? Because right now, it's all I can do not to tie you down and - ”

“No, thank you. Not that I don’t miss it…and you…it just seems wrong to want that ….now.”

“Hmmm, I'm just realising that she doesn't get to me the way you did.”

“Do. …As I do…I’m not dead...and I'm not gone.”

“No, you’re not.”

“That's why I wanted you to see me. To know that I'm not gone. I'm still here and I probably always will be. So does she obey without question or is she just easier to dominate?”

“She doesn’t analyse anything…. It’s refreshing.”

“I can be tedious.”

“You don’t have to tell me.”

“No, I don’t.”

“The first night I tied her up, I was home before midnight. I couldn’t figure it out. I never got home from being with you before 2am. It took a few more sessions to realise that she just wasn’t questioning everything….”

“Ha! Right? ....It's good to laugh with you again.... I question everything because it slows things down.”

“Ah….was that what you were doing?”

“I was savouring my time with you. It didn’t matter how it was spent.”

“Well that certainly changed.”

“And there's the petulance. It only changed when time was all we spent together. That’s why we needed a break. We needed to bring back savouring each other rather than depending on each other.”

“I liked depending on you.”

“Yes? So much that it took you 2 weeks to find someone else to depend on.”

“And there's the bitch.”

“Don’t be such a slug. I’m not faulting you."

"Ya know what's odd...strange...interesting. She takes herself really seriously...like if she makes a mistake or if I offer advice or criticism, she flips out. You were usually a good sport. You like to laugh at yourself. And you're goofy - I mean in a good way. I smile a lot when I think about you - sometimes even when it hurts, I smile."

"I'm really glad to hear that, 'cause this is the way this is supposed to work. I want us to be together because we want to be together not because we can't be apart. Falling for other people happens, and you should play that out to the end, and I'll be here when you're ready for me again. You and I are in it for the long haul - whatever that means and wherever that takes us. It's all an adventure."

“Then why does it feel like this?”

“Because it isn’t easy – but it’s not supposed to be. It’s supposed to matter.”

“Can I give you something?”

“What?”

“Your collar.”

“You’re giving it to me?”

“You earned it…and it’s no longer mine to use.”

“Thank you.”

“Please don’t wear it for anyone else.”

“Never.”

“Do you have all your things?”

“Yes.”

“If I asked you to keep your key…”

“I won’t use it until you tell me to.”

“It might be awhile. She’s too much fun to give up too easily.”

“When you’re ready…not a moment before.”

© Copyright Eurydice Rising